I had forgotten about that cold Christmas morning. I suppose it was in order to reassert my hope for my own future. I remember walking out of that frigid concrete hallway into the family room. I remember walking hand in hand with my mother, wearing thick socks and holding tight to Bumpy, my stuffed bear. I remember Marvin, her boyfriend, walking behind us, lumbering from foot to foot.

That early morning was sheltered by my excitement. It was the first year we had bought a Christmas tree, and it was the first year that our family room was lit up by all those little multicolored bulbs. Looking back at the one surviving picture of that morning, the tree looks less majestic. It’s barely taller than I was, had a few gaping empty spots, and underneath it, lay only a handful of presents wrapped in old newspaper. No, it wasn’t pretty but it was ours. If there is one thing I can say for my mother, it’s that she tried to give me a normal and happy childhood.

Much later, after we had each opened our presents my mother slowly walked up to me with a big but apologetic smile.

“Now Anna, it’s time for me to go to work,” my mother told me; her smile dropped as she saw my disappointment.

I squeezed harder onto Bumpy’s chest, stretching the seams of her arms, ripping away the threads that had been three times repaired. I didn’t say a word, that was a product of my mother’s teaching, never talk back to an elder. I tried to send the message with my facial expression.

“You’ll be here with Marvin, it’ll be fun! Marvin you’ll keep her entertained right?” my mother quickly asked. Looking back, I think she must have been looking to transfer the blame or at least some moral support.

He shot back a look at her that I’ll never forget, one that I’ve seen in men since then. It’s a look of confusion, disinterest, annoyance, and worst of all, a hint of avoidance.

“Yeah well... There’s always TV right?” he stuttered out, unsure of the few syllables that buffoon was capable of producing.

I don’t remember the exact details after that. My mother left, I’m sure working to pay off humble but meaningful Christmas she had just given me. Marvin and I feigned some sense of togetherness and watched Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer up until Rudolf meets the Abominable Snowman, then I went to my room. It was imagination and hope that saved me through all those days alone. It seems like a hundred lifetimes ago, heck 300 lifetimes ago.

It wasn’t much later that I heard that man’s abrasive laugh. Deep and mocking of the world around him. He was on the phone with what must have been one of his fellow fools. I remember him laughing haughtily at his presumed mastery of his morally empty world and I remember what he said into that phone ruining what sense I had that my mother was doing things right.

“I’ll be over later and we’ll do it up right man. I’m over here at Gina’s house now,” he paused for the man on the other end, “Oh, she’s just another one of the many. I’m telling you, I’ve got girls all over the city. You want me to call one up for you? They all come running to me, all I have to do is call. I’ll prove it to you later tonight, you know I’m the man.”