May 31st, 2009
“Don't get involved in partial problems, but always take flight to where there is a free view over the whole single great problem, even if this view is still not a clear one.” -LW
The older I get, the more things there are that fill me with regret. When I was younger it was easy to push it all aside and get on with life. Now that the emotional chains are much heavier and my body weaker, I cannot ignore 61 years— my story.
Still, it does not imply that I am willing to sit still. There are still chances to correct that which is in my control.
I met with Mary on Thursday evening. We met over a cup of coffee and almond muffins (her favorite) at the Mercury Cafe. I hadn't seen her in over a year, and the first thing I noticed was how much college was changing her. She looked like a full on adult for the first time in her life. She was cleanly dressed, looked slightly weathered, and exuded an aura of passionate focused. It made me proud to be her father and sad for the lack of engagement with her over the past few years.
Our conversation mostly concerned the little things. It was as if she was testing the waters of getting to know me again. I can't blame her, I would be skeptical too. But still, I am her father, and being able to talk to her at all made me happy. We had made progress and the dimmed light of a reconnect didn't seem so hopeless.
31 May, 2009
22 May, 2009
Archived on Sunday, May 23rd, 2009
Annie (10:03AM): Sarah, do you have a minute?
Sarah: What's up?
Annie: It sounds like my sister and my dad might be talking again. But Mary isn't sure that she wants to risk bringing him back into her life just to lose him again. I'm meeting with her in a few minutes to talk it over. She seems really fragile about this all. you know how she gets
Annie: but she wants my advice on whether or not to respond to him.
Sarah (10:05AM): What would she be missing if he did leave again? She already feels like a stranger to him.
Annie: But that's just it, she probably believes that all of a suddenly they'll be close again, and that if he leaves she'll lose everything again. She's thinking in black and white.
Sarah: And you don't think that'll happen?
Annie: No. I think their relationship is damaged to a point where it's going to be a looooong time to get to the point where she'll be losing a lot if he checks out again. We're talking years.
Sarah: And you're worried about telling her that because she'll flip out...
Annie (10:06AM): Yeah, she won't take that statement well.
Sarah: I think you need to give it to her straight. I know easier said than done, right? but remember what coach fredricks used to say, "No pain no gain."
Sarah (10:07AM): think of the extra damage it would cause if you tell her that things will be absolutely wonderful and all of a sudden they'll be close, like some father daughter disney film. leave fantasy for the movies.
Annie: You're right. thanks.
Sarah (10:11AM): This might cheer you up: Stupid stuff people do.
Sarah: I was at dominicks and the automatic door was broken. This guy walked up to it and nothing happened so he started looking around all confused. This dumb ass just stood there in front waiting for something magic to happen. Then he got impatient and started waving his hands, stomping on the mat. It was like he'd never pushed open a door before.
Sarah: But this is waht kills me. He said out loud, How do I get in?
Sarah (10:012AM): -How do I get in- as if without automatic doors all entrances are closed and locked. What is this world coming to?
Annie (10:13AM): We are much too privileged.
Annie: I need to go meet Mary. Thanks for the talk. bye!
Annie (10:03AM): Sarah, do you have a minute?
Sarah: What's up?
Annie: It sounds like my sister and my dad might be talking again. But Mary isn't sure that she wants to risk bringing him back into her life just to lose him again. I'm meeting with her in a few minutes to talk it over. She seems really fragile about this all. you know how she gets
Annie: but she wants my advice on whether or not to respond to him.
Sarah (10:05AM): What would she be missing if he did leave again? She already feels like a stranger to him.
Annie: But that's just it, she probably believes that all of a suddenly they'll be close again, and that if he leaves she'll lose everything again. She's thinking in black and white.
Sarah: And you don't think that'll happen?
Annie: No. I think their relationship is damaged to a point where it's going to be a looooong time to get to the point where she'll be losing a lot if he checks out again. We're talking years.
Sarah: And you're worried about telling her that because she'll flip out...
Annie (10:06AM): Yeah, she won't take that statement well.
Sarah: I think you need to give it to her straight. I know easier said than done, right? but remember what coach fredricks used to say, "No pain no gain."
Sarah (10:07AM): think of the extra damage it would cause if you tell her that things will be absolutely wonderful and all of a sudden they'll be close, like some father daughter disney film. leave fantasy for the movies.
Annie: You're right. thanks.
Sarah (10:11AM): This might cheer you up: Stupid stuff people do.
Sarah: I was at dominicks and the automatic door was broken. This guy walked up to it and nothing happened so he started looking around all confused. This dumb ass just stood there in front waiting for something magic to happen. Then he got impatient and started waving his hands, stomping on the mat. It was like he'd never pushed open a door before.
Sarah: But this is waht kills me. He said out loud, How do I get in?
Sarah (10:012AM): -How do I get in- as if without automatic doors all entrances are closed and locked. What is this world coming to?
Annie (10:13AM): We are much too privileged.
Annie: I need to go meet Mary. Thanks for the talk. bye!
17 May, 2009
Date: Sun, May 17th at 2:18PM
Subject: Dad talking again?
mailed-by: pitt.edu
Annie,
Dad sent me a letter the other day and I don't know what to make of it. He basically apologized for not being there for me after he and mom split up. I think he was honest, but I don't know. Has he said anything about it to you recently?
It's funny, the last time I remember him being involved was when I was in 8th grade. You must have been out driving around with Jason (what a bad choice!) at the time. I demanded that I be able to go on that cheerleading trip to Boston and he, as usual, refused. I started yelling at him and telling him how much he was ruining my life. I remember being so angry with him when and then he just walked away from me. That pissed me off even more, as you can imagine. Later that night he came to my room and told me how difficult this past year had been, and that I was making it more difficult. He had a calm voice. He wasn't angry at all. He looked incredibly exhausted with everything, do you remember him then? Then he looked me straight in the eye and he said that my behavior had to change. Period. That was it, nothing more. He left my room and we didn't talk about it again.
I don't know why, but at the time, that worked. He looked so... So upset. I started to see things from his perspective. I think that is why I had such a hard time when he left mom. I think I saw how hard of a decision it was for him to leave. He could have gone either way and neither would have been a good option. I thought he would stay with us.
I don't want him back in if he is going to leave again. You know him better than I do. Do you think he will leave again or is this for real?
-M
Subject: Dad talking again?
mailed-by: pitt.edu
Annie,
Dad sent me a letter the other day and I don't know what to make of it. He basically apologized for not being there for me after he and mom split up. I think he was honest, but I don't know. Has he said anything about it to you recently?
It's funny, the last time I remember him being involved was when I was in 8th grade. You must have been out driving around with Jason (what a bad choice!) at the time. I demanded that I be able to go on that cheerleading trip to Boston and he, as usual, refused. I started yelling at him and telling him how much he was ruining my life. I remember being so angry with him when and then he just walked away from me. That pissed me off even more, as you can imagine. Later that night he came to my room and told me how difficult this past year had been, and that I was making it more difficult. He had a calm voice. He wasn't angry at all. He looked incredibly exhausted with everything, do you remember him then? Then he looked me straight in the eye and he said that my behavior had to change. Period. That was it, nothing more. He left my room and we didn't talk about it again.
I don't know why, but at the time, that worked. He looked so... So upset. I started to see things from his perspective. I think that is why I had such a hard time when he left mom. I think I saw how hard of a decision it was for him to leave. He could have gone either way and neither would have been a good option. I thought he would stay with us.
I don't want him back in if he is going to leave again. You know him better than I do. Do you think he will leave again or is this for real?
-M
10 May, 2009
May 10th, 2009
Mary,
You must be finishing up your last few classes at Pitt. I'm sure it felt like your first year went by much too fast.
Now that you have moved away from home and started the next chapter of your life, I feel like there is more I can tell you. I wish I could say that your move was only one of many reasons that this letter was delayed for so long, but I must be honest with you and myself. Your mother is a powerful figure; you know this. I was not strong enough to confront her, even when you were clearly in need. I left you to cope with her instability alone. You living with her prevented me from acting. For that I am deeply sorry.
Why didn't I act when there was still a chance of reconciliation? I didn't recognize the problems and miscommunication, and I let fear control how I reacted. I was silent when I should have allowed room for discussion. It is important to face problems head on. Once again, I am sorry.
Over the past year I've heard you call out for help, and I was silent. I want you to know that as many flaws as I may have, giving up on you will not be added to that list. You know how to contact me if and when you can forgive me for the past.
~Dad
Mary,
You must be finishing up your last few classes at Pitt. I'm sure it felt like your first year went by much too fast.
Now that you have moved away from home and started the next chapter of your life, I feel like there is more I can tell you. I wish I could say that your move was only one of many reasons that this letter was delayed for so long, but I must be honest with you and myself. Your mother is a powerful figure; you know this. I was not strong enough to confront her, even when you were clearly in need. I left you to cope with her instability alone. You living with her prevented me from acting. For that I am deeply sorry.
Why didn't I act when there was still a chance of reconciliation? I didn't recognize the problems and miscommunication, and I let fear control how I reacted. I was silent when I should have allowed room for discussion. It is important to face problems head on. Once again, I am sorry.
Over the past year I've heard you call out for help, and I was silent. I want you to know that as many flaws as I may have, giving up on you will not be added to that list. You know how to contact me if and when you can forgive me for the past.
~Dad
03 May, 2009
Correspondence
May 3rd, 1997
“Why don't they make the city bird the pigeon?” she asked her father. Her tone was honest, that of a child trying to make sense of the world.
“They wouldn't do that” her father replied.
“But there are so many of them. Shouldn't the thing with the most get to choose?” she continued.
“Well, they wouldn't choose a pigeon. A pigeon is a dirty bird,” her father answered, his patience waning. Though he would never admit it, he thought to himself, why is Mary in such an talkative mood today?
“Who is they? And why is a pigeon dirty?” she probed.
“It just is. They're not clean, they don't look pretty, there's nothing beautiful about them. They're a dirty bird,” he repeated.
“But why should being clean matter if there are so many of them? Shouldn't they have a chance also?” she petitioned. She looked dissatisfied at the answers provided, as if to say, This isn't the world I signed up for. Still, one could see her knowledge building, acknowledging dissonance with what she thought should be and what was. These were the stories she would recall 11 years later.
“Why don't they make the city bird the pigeon?” she asked her father. Her tone was honest, that of a child trying to make sense of the world.
“They wouldn't do that” her father replied.
“But there are so many of them. Shouldn't the thing with the most get to choose?” she continued.
“Well, they wouldn't choose a pigeon. A pigeon is a dirty bird,” her father answered, his patience waning. Though he would never admit it, he thought to himself, why is Mary in such an talkative mood today?
“Who is they? And why is a pigeon dirty?” she probed.
“It just is. They're not clean, they don't look pretty, there's nothing beautiful about them. They're a dirty bird,” he repeated.
“But why should being clean matter if there are so many of them? Shouldn't they have a chance also?” she petitioned. She looked dissatisfied at the answers provided, as if to say, This isn't the world I signed up for. Still, one could see her knowledge building, acknowledging dissonance with what she thought should be and what was. These were the stories she would recall 11 years later.
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